3 weeks.

I feel like I’m struggling between what has happened, what is happening, and what might happen. Everything is just rushing down and hitting me like a huge tidal wave to the face. I’m still searching for the surface to catch my breath.
Lately I’ve been really good at leaving things behind me. I’ve realized that I let my fear get the best of me. In the past I’ve dealt with people that appeared to be completely on board with the way things were going in the relationship only to realize that they have changed their mind at the very last minute. I feel awful for letting people I care about pay the price for it. I just fear that people are going to keep pulling 180’s on me. I guess there’s no stopping anyone from anything. People are going to do what they are going to do and I can’t always avoid getting hurt in the process. I have faith that the person I’ve invested my trust into this time is actually by my side for the entire ride. It is true that he can pull the breaks and get out at any time, but I feel like this one wants to keep going. I’m forever grateful to have a love like that. This is the kind of feeling that actors could never possibly portray in a movie. This is real.
With all of that being said, the nerves are starting to rise. Sometimes when something is going really good, something bad has to happen. That isn’t a negative thought by the way, just a pattern I’ve noticed. I’m always hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Maybe I’m not always prepared, but at least I can never say I didn’t see it coming. Anyway, there are so many changes happening within the next few months. Some news is still sinking in and I’m trying to catch my balance. I like where things are going, I’m just not exactly sure where they will end up. Everyone is predicting my future for me but it honestly just makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. I like some of the ideas, but I don’t want to expect anything. I’m better off just seeing how things turn out. It sucks to say that because I’ve always been a planner and I cannot stand being left alone in the dark. Again, this is where trust comes in. When you love and trust someone, sometimes you have to let go of your comfort zone for just a little bit and let them work the magic.
I never had the fairy tale relationship. I really never even expect to be treated like a princess from all of those corny movies. Sure it’s nice to be appreciated and showered with affection, but I hold everything in my heart. The smallest things seem to brighten my day. Having someone so far away means that I’m going to be in dire need of that extra affection. It’s hard to search for a flower growing out of a brick wall, but every once in a while I’ll find a pedal on the floor near it. He isn’t perfect and neither am I. The point is that he is there and he is mine. I can’t read his thoughts or justify all of his actions, but I can’t deny the fact that he does love me just as much as I love him.
The idea of moving has been circling my head for weeks. At first I was completely stoked, then I wasn’t as excited. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just fear the outcome. There I go again with that fear. This is probably just me trying to get over yet another fear. The first one took a while and I’m still working on it. This fear will most likely fade with time. I guess I like having the comfort of knowing what is going on and how my partner feels about it. Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly just pushing things and he is just going along with it. This is when I should just sit back and let him take the initiative. I feel like that would bring me a little bit of comfort. I’m just trying to imagine all of the changes and new challenges this whole thing might bring. So far we have been an amazing team and we have overcome even the most difficult of tasks, but this obstacle is on a whole new level. I love having him by my side and I don’t plan on backing down. As long as he rides this out with me I feel like I’ll be okay.
My father is often bringing marriage into the picture. When I was younger I felt like I would have everything together at this age and be in my own place with a husband. Things don’t ever work out the way they do in my head. I have always been a day dreamer. Anyway, the marriage idea hasn’t exactly sat with me yet. I’m absolutely positive that this is the man I would like to spend the rest of my life with. Of course, like before, things do not always work out the way I would like them to. We have yet to get to that part of our relationship. Of course there has been talk and little ideas thrown around, but nothing set in stone. I feel like I would be ready when he is. It’s just a piece of paper to me, but the bond of marriage is an amazing idea. This is something I want him to be 100% on. I want this to be on our terms, not the military, not my parents, not his, not our friends; just us. This needs to be HIS decision and my agreement. I don’t want to be rushed into it because we have to, I want to be able to hang our wedding pictures up in our house and have our special day. We deserve the recognition after all of the hard work we’ve done and the struggles we’ve been through just to be with each other in the end.
I really don’t know where I’m going with all of this. I just needed to get some things off of my chest and into words. I have a few things I want to work on and a few more things I have to think about. Stress has been the only feeling I’ve known lately and it’s not pleasant. Hopefully I find it in myself to just let go of all the nerves and accept things as they come. I know I can always turn to my partner for his hand to hold through all of the scary parts, it’s just really difficult when he is so far away. At least I’ll be able to visit him within the next few weeks which will cut this whole wait in half and make the last part of it go by quickly. I really miss him and I cannot wait to just be in his arms again. It’s just about time for me to put all of my faith into this and let everything fall in its place.

(Source: littlemissericaa)

25 days until I’m in Germany

And back in my man’s arms! <3

I can hardly wait:D